The one-eyed cat is running frantically back and forth between the kitchen and the bedroom. The fat lazy cat is sitting in the laundry basket that is finally empty after an hour of folding clothes I don’t even remember anybody wearing. The basket is still a little warm somehow and she is not budging. It’s midnight and I am hanging up my cape for the day. A little glass of sake will swirl and swish around in my brain just enough so that I’ll be able to sleep.
Because quite honestly, it’s not going well right now. Let me clarify. It’s actually going just fine. Certainly a zillion times better than it’s going for many other people. But I was just aggravated today for so many tiny things. I can list them.
-It’s all going by so fast. And that makes me sad and pisses me off.
-I feel exhausted most of the time. I feel aches and pains that I know I shouldn’t but my extra pounds and lack of exercise time contribute to feeling like a blob of a woman.
-I let the world of Facebook pictures get to me sometimes. I know it’s bullshit. Those kids are not perfect all the time. I’m jealous of their vacation. I’m jealous of the fact that they have more than one kid. I’m ashamed of the pasta and chicken nugget meals with zero vegetables we end up eating most of the time. I’m too tired to argue.
-I lose it sometimes. I don’t yell. But I freeze in this defeated state and my eyes tear up and sometimes an actual tear rolls down my cheek. Not often but sometimes.
-I have small anxiety attacks. I worry about money and jobs. I worry about our health. I worry about our safety.
-I wonder if we’ll ever get to Disneyworld. Or even back to Dutch Wonderland.
-I question my parenting. I know I’ve got the fun part down. I’m a really fun mom. But I worry about the other stuff. I know there’s no handbook. My mother never used one. And I turned out just fine.
Just like the old motherly saying of “everything will be better in the morning” I wait to see if that’s true. I hang up my cape. Actually its my daughter’s cape. But I can pretend they make it in my size. Because they should.