There But For the Grace of…

This came up in my facebook memories…



The irony that I started working in a liquor store just a few weeks after Noah died is not lost on me. Where else would I come in contact with such an endless parade of lost souls while still collecting a paycheck and using my knowledge of grape varietals and appellations? Where else would the lost soul I was when I first started, feel so at home?

Technically it is a wine and spirits store. But that really is just a nice name for a liquor store, isn’t it?

Let me introduce you to a random smattering of my top seven souls, lost and otherwise, I’ve encountered…

  1. He’s a walking heart attack. Once a day, two 1.5 liters of Woodbridge Chardonnay. He’s sweaty and paunchy but professionally dressed. I think this giant bottle of wine may be his first thought when he wakes up every morning. As we exchange hellos and $22.42…

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Permission Slip

We all have something that triggers a panic or unpleasant feeling in us. It’s highly personal. And it’s valid. Even though others may tell you it isn’t, I give you permission to feel it. And do whatever you need to do to get through it. You don’t have to face every fear..


Trauma triggers are kinda like being in a live action video game. You trot along through buildings and streets, sometimes with peppy theme music playing in your head. Leaping over obstacles, mentally scoring points and winning prizes. Suddenly the trigger appears and it sends you frantically running backwards and erratically all over your inner game screen. And oftentimes no one can even see you in that frantic state. You look perfectly jolly and peppy to them. Well, I’m here to say I SEE YOU. And it’s ok. Run backwards and sideways all you need. Hit restart as much as you need. And I hope someday you get enough points to win the prize you want.

When I see an image of water on television, especially if filmed from underneath the surface, my throat closes, my heart races and a cold sweat starts almost immediately. I turn my head to the…

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Today Noah would be nine years old…

Today I got Miriam to school on time!

Today I have the Eurythmics Greatest Hits stuck in my car’s CD player. It won’t eject nor will it play. It is a lose/lose situation.

Today Noah would be nine years old…

Today I have back to school night for Miriam’s pre-k class!

Today I feel better than I did yesterday. My period has been so bad for the past year. But hey, my uterus has served me well!

Today I’ll remember to bring lunch to work. It makes me feel like I’ve got my shit together. It makes me feel normal.

Today Noah would be nine years old…

Today I’ll have too much coffee and get aggravated too quickly. Today I’ll lose perspective momentarily.

Today I’ll plan something for the future. Whether that future is tomorrow or in a year, it’s still the future.

Today Noah would be nine years old…



Emotions…It’s What For Lunch

From a year ago…I’m my own best therapist late at night.



In the beginning I couldn’t eat a thing. I remember eating at the Shiva right after coming from the cemetery. My brother Barry brought me a plate of food. That is tradition. Someone brings the mourners a plate of food. Lox, bagels, sliced cucumbers. I remember thinking how Noah would’ve loved all this food . And being confused at the platters being there and him not.

I had a hard time eating because now Noah couldn’t. It felt like I didn’t eat for months. I couldn’t stand thinking about him never eating that béchamel and mushroom pizza we used to get at Trader Joe’s. Or him never eating an apple in the shopping cart at Shoprite ever again. And then throwing that apple on the floor in the third aisle which was the candy aisle. We would share a bag of chocolate licorice as we shopped and I would pay for the empty…

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